I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
