Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
