Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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