Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
