just tell him i said nine months
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
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I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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