If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
the day after is always just damage control
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
