i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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