i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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