Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
