note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
