so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
