my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
