I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
