he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.