okay pat passed out under dana's car
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
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I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What's dad's email?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.