Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
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I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter