just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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