Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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