He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
