dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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