I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
