We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
