forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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