My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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