I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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