3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
