omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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