Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
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My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU