Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
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I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.