he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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