im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.