My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
