I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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