why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
