So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
