I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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