I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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