You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
