I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
