tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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