On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I cut my penus on the lid.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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