oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
