two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
