he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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