Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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