I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
