dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
