My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
