Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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