Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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