You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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