the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
