It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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