so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
