I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
