Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
