Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
