i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
