I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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