I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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