Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
