If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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