Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
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I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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