she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
