you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
