I molested 6 butterflies tonight
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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