Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
